Dec 172012
 
  • Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
  • My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
  • Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
  • It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
  • The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
  • The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
  • Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
  • A harp is a nude piano.
  • For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
  • A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
  • When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
  • I can’t reach the brakes on this piano!
  • While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
  • You should always say “celli” when you mean there are two or more cellos.
  • Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.
  • Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
  • A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
 Posted by at 11:46 am
Nov 162012
 

Every year I get a few questions about the live Nativity done by the Draper Riverview stake; here is all you need to know.

  • When: November 26th though the 29th
  • Where: 12101 South 700 West in Draper.
  • What: A live Nativity

The Nativity is a great way to kick off your Christmas season, to recover from the commercialism of Black Friday and spend time with your family. You will find lots of people with the same idea, so dress warmly and expect to spend some time waiting in line. The line isn’t the same as the line for Space Mountain and so the wait tends to feel shorter than it is.

If you want to forward the event to your friends on Facebook you will find it here.

Enjoy!

 Posted by at 12:46 pm
Oct 252012
 


My favorite is the first. Don’t hate me for that….

Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.

Back in the thirties, we were told we must collectivize the nation because the people were so poor. Now we are told we must collectivize the nation because the people are so rich.

I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.

I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.

I get satisfaction of three kinds. One is creating something, one is being paid for it and one is the feeling that I haven’t just been sitting on my ass all afternoon.

Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.

Liberals, it has been said, are generous with other peoples’ money, except when it comes to questions of national survival when they prefer to be generous with other people’s freedom and security.

I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word “fair” in connection with income tax policies.

One must bear in mind that the expansion of federal activity is a form of eating for politicians.

I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.

Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.

It had all the earmarks of a CIA operation; the bomb killed everybody in the room except the intended target!

Life can’t be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years.

 Posted by at 11:39 am
Aug 012012
 

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that can’t make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

 Posted by at 11:38 am
Jul 172012
 

I am almost 100% certain these are all fake, but funny. Enjoy.

“Aim towards the enemy.” — Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”  — U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. — U.S.A.F.

“If the enemy is in range…so are you.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — U.S. Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” — U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” — U.S. Army Ordinance

“Five-second fuses only last three-seconds.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” — Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” — Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper…once.” — Anonymous

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” — Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” — Your Buddies

“If you see a bomb technician running try to keep up with him.” — U.S. Army Trooper

 

 Posted by at 7:59 pm
Jul 032012
 

“Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” — Jack Benny

“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” — Babe Ruth

“Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.” — Lee Trevino

“[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it.” — Tommy Bolt

“Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.” — Jimmy Demaret

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.” — Unknown

“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” — Gerald Ford

“The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” — PG Wodehouse

“In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.” — Ken Harrelson

“The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

 Posted by at 11:55 am
May 022012
 
  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
  6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
  7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
  8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
  10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe — and inexpensive, too.

 Posted by at 10:27 am