Jan 242013
 

Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous. You’ve seen many of these in the past, but its fun to see them all together.

  • Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
  • The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
  • Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
  • If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
  • We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
  • War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
  • Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
  • To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
  • I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
  • In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
  • Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
  • You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
  • I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure…
  • To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
  • Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
  • You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
 Posted by at 1:03 pm
Jan 132013
 

This is an oldie but a goodie. Enjoy!

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.

WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes finger-prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say “DANG!”

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 Posted by at 10:12 am
Jan 082013
 

Note: I don’t know who the original author is, but I’m guessing its a she and she’s over 50. 🙂

A WOMAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS

  • Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
  • Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
  • My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
  • The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.
  • The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
  • Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
  • Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
  • I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and set my pantyhose on fire.
  • Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
  • They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative. I did hear from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said “Listen witch … do it and die.”
  • The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
  • I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
  • I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
 Posted by at 11:56 am