I found these here. I think you will enjoy them, even if you’ve never gone diving.
How To Fail Your Open Water Test
- Tell your Instructor you will race him to the surface.
- Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
- Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
- Your Instructor asks “You don’t want to do the buddy breathing because you have what?”
- You ask your Instructor which fin goes on which foot.
- You ask your Instructor if that was his mask under your tank.
- You tell your Instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 3000 pounds of air in it.
- When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.
You Need Buoyancy Control When
- You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
- You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
- The only place you can hover is at the surface.
- On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
- You use 1000 psi for breathing and 2000 psi for your BC.
- You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
- You think being neutral in the water means that you don’t fight with your buddy.
Your Dive Buddy Hates You If
- He gives you the “wait here” sign and you are still on the boat.
- He “forgets” to close your dry suit zipper.
- When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate “I’ll get you some” and swims off.
- When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel.
- You give him the “OK” signal and he gives you the finger.
- He spits in your mask for you, but you haven’t taken it off yet.
- He shows up with a set of tables based on his own algorithm “that’s WAY better”.
- He loudly proclaims that safety stops are for “wussies”.