Dec 152011

These are undeniably true and chock full of wisdom. Enjoy. 🙂

The Law of Volunteering: If you dance with a grizzly bear, you had better let him lead.

The Law of Avoiding Oversell: When putting cheese in a mousetrap, always leave room for the mouse.

The Law of Common Sense: Never accept a drink from a urologist.

The Law of Reality: Never get into fights with ugly people; they have nothing to lose.

The Law of Self Sacrifice: When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

The Law of Motivation: Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.

Boob’s Law: You always find what you’re looking for in the last place you look.

Weiler’s Law: Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn’t have to do it himself.

Law of Probable Dispersal: Whatever hits the fan will not be evenly distributed.

Law of Volunteer Labor: People are always available for work in the past tense.

Conway’s Law: In any organization there is one person who knows what is going on; That person must be fired.

Iron Law of Distribution: Them that has, gets.

Law of Cybernetic Entomology: There is always one more bug.

Heller’s Law: The first myth of management is that it exists.

Osborne’s Law: Variables won’t; constants aren’t.

Main’s Law: For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.

Weinberg’s Second Law: If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs  the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

Law of Drunkenness: You can’t fall off the floor.

 Posted by at 10:34 am
Dec 062011

In the beginning, which occurred near the start, there was nothing but God, darkness, and some gas. The Bible says, ‘The Lord thy God is one,’ but I think He must be a lot older than that.

Anyway, God said, ‘Give me a light!’ and someone did.

Then God made the world.

He split the Adam and made Eve. Adam and Eve were naked, but they weren’t embarrassed because mirrors hadn’t been invented yet.

Adam and Eve disobeyed God by eating one bad apple, so they were driven from the Garden of Eden…..Not sure what they were driven in though, because they didn’t have cars.

Adam and Eve had a son, Cain, who hated his brother as long as he was Abel.

Pretty soon all of the early people died off, except for Methuselah, who lived to be like a million or something.

One of the next important people was Noah, who was a good guy, but one of his kids was kind of a Ham. Noah built a large boat and put his family and some animals on it. He asked some other people to join him, but they said they would have to take a rain check.
After Noah came Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob. Jacob was more famous than his brother, Esau, because Esau sold Jacob his birthmark in exchange for some pot roast. Jacob had a son named Joseph who wore a really loud sports coat.

Another important Bible guy is Moses, whose real name was Charlton Heston. Moses led the Israel Lights out of Egypt and away from the evil Pharaoh after God sent ten plagues on Pharaoh’s people. These plagues included frogs, mice, lice, bowels, and no cable.

God fed the Israel Lights every day with manicotti. Then he gave them His Top Ten Commandments. These include: don’t lie, cheat, smoke, dance, or covet your neighbor’s stuff.

Oh, yeah, I just thought of one more: Humor thy father and thy mother.

One of Moses’ best helpers was Joshua who was the first Bible guy to use spies. Joshua fought the battle of Geritol and the fence fell over on the town.

After Joshua came David.. He got to be king by killing a giant with a slingshot. He had a son named Solomon who had about 300 wives and 500 porcupines. My teacher says he was wise, but that doesn’t sound very wise to me.

After Solomon there were a bunch of major league prophets. One of these was Jonah, who was swallowed by a big whale and then barfed up on the shore.

There were also some minor league prophets, but I guess we don’t have to worry about them.

After the Old Testament came the New Testament. Jesus is the star of The New Testament.. He was born in Bethlehem in a barn. (I wish I had been born in a barn too, because my mom is always saying to me, ‘Close the door! Were you born in a barn?’ It would be nice to say, ‘As a matter of fact, I was.’)

During His life, Jesus had many arguments with sinners like the Pharisees and the Republicans.

Jesus also had twelve opossums.The worst one was Judas Asparagus. Judas was so evil that they named a terrible vegetable after him.

Jesus was a great man. He healed many leopards and even preached to some Germans on the Mount.

But the Republicans and all those guys put Jesus on trial before Pontius the Pilot. Pilot didn’t stick up for Jesus. He just washed his hands instead.

Anyways, Jesus died for our sins, then came back to life again. He went up to Heaven but will be back at the end of the Aluminum. His return is foretold in the book of Revolution.

 Posted by at 4:10 pm
Dec 062011

… and the genie said he would grant me one wish.

“I want to live forever,” I said.

“Sorry,” said the genie, “I’m not allowed to grant wishes like that!”

“Fine,” I said, “then I want to die after Congress gets their heads out of their butts!”

“You crafty *^%@,” said the genie.

 Posted by at 11:35 am
Nov 182011

From:    Bill Stebbins <bs16@xxx>
Subject: Changes to the Rules of Golf

The R&A (formerly known as the Royal and Ancient Golf Club), the ruling body for the game of golf, along with the United States Golf Association has amended principal regulations from the Rules of Golf, the bible of the game. Apparently, the rule changes were influenced by the AARP.

Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough by a golfer past the age of 65 shall be lifted and placed onto the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. Seniors should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.

Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hit by a golfer past the age of 65 that hits a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have traveled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.

Rule 3.b.3 (g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball for senior players; the missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The senior player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.

Rule 4.c.7 (h)
If a senior player’s putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The Rules of Golf supersede the law of gravity.

Rule 5
Seniors’ putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.

Rule 6.a.9 (k)
There is no penalty for seniors for so-called ‘out of bounds.’ If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.

Rule 7.g.15 (z)
There is no penalty for a senior who hits a ball into a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturing defects.

Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by buying new golf equipment. Since this is financially impractical for many senior golfers, one half stroke per hole may  be subtracted for using old equipment.

Editor’s note:  While the above is fiction, there really were changes made to the 267 year-old rules of golf in 2011.  I leave it to the reader’s level of curiosity to delve further into this… or not.  October, 2011.

 Posted by at 12:02 pm
Sep 272011

So I just noticed that the price of 20oz Soda in the vending machine has gone from $1.00 to $1.25. Right next to that machine is one where you can buy a 12oz soda for 60¢, proving once again that its a cruel, cruel world if you can’t math….

 Posted by at 11:42 am