Aug 012012
 

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms, but when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

A vibration is a motion that can’t make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it’s brother against brother.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H’s as O’s.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

The wind is like the air, only pushier.

 Posted by at 11:38 am
Jul 172012
 

I am almost 100% certain these are all fake, but funny. Enjoy.

“Aim towards the enemy.” — Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

“When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”  — U.S. Army

“Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground. — U.S.A.F.

“If the enemy is in range…so are you.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what’s left of your unit. — U.S. Army’s magazine of preventive maintenance

“It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed.” — U.S. Air Force Manual

“Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“Tracers work both ways.” — U.S. Army Ordinance

“Five-second fuses only last three-seconds.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“Bravery is being the only one who knows you’re afraid.” — Col. David Hackworth

“If your attack is going too well, you’re probably walking into an ambush.” — U.S. Army Infantry Journal

“No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection.” — Joe Gay

“Any ship can be a minesweeper…once.” — Anonymous

“Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.” — Unknown Army Recruit

“Don’t draw fire; it irritates the people around you.” — Your Buddies

“If you see a bomb technician running try to keep up with him.” — U.S. Army Trooper

 

 Posted by at 7:59 pm
Jul 032012
 

“Give me the fresh air, a beautiful partner, and a nice round of golf and you can keep the fresh air and the round of golf.” — Jack Benny

“It took me seventeen years to get 3,000 hits in baseball. I did it in one afternoon on the golf course.” — Babe Ruth

“Columbus went around the world in 1492. That isn’t a lot of strokes when you consider the course.” — Lee Trevino

“[Players today] throw their clubs backwards, and that’s wrong. You should always throw a club ahead of you so that you don’t have to walk any extra distance to get it.” — Tommy Bolt

“Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at.” — Jimmy Demaret

“If you think it’s hard to meet new people, try picking up the wrong golf ball.” — Jack Lemmon

“The people who gave us golf and called it a game are the same people who gave us bag pipes and called it music.” — Unknown

“I would like to deny all allegations by Bob Hope that during my last game of golf, I hit an eagle, a birdie, an elk and a moose.” — Gerald Ford

“The least thing upsets him on the links. He missed short putts because of the uproar of butterflies in the adjoining meadows.” — PG Wodehouse

“In baseball you hit your home run over the right-field fence, the left-field fence, the center-field fence. Nobody cares. In golf everything has got to be right over second base.” — Ken Harrelson

“The first time I played the Masters, I was so nervous I drank a bottle of rum before I teed off. I shot the happiest 83 of my life.” — Chi Chi Rodriguez

 Posted by at 11:55 am
May 022012
 
  1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.
  2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.
  3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.
  4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.
  5. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat, begged for bread after as little as two days.
  6. Bread is often a “gateway” food item, leading the user to “harder” items such as butter, jelly, peanut butter, and even cream cheese.
  7. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey, bread-pudding person.
  8. Newborn babies can choke on bread.
  9. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 450 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than two minutes.
  10. Most American bread eaters are utterly unable to distinguish between significant scientific fact and meaningless statistical babbling.

Note: Bagel holes seem to be relatively safe — and inexpensive, too.

 Posted by at 10:27 am
Apr 242012
 

I found these here. I think you will enjoy them, even if you’ve never gone diving.

How To Fail Your Open Water Test

  1. Tell your Instructor you will race him to the surface.
  2. Lie face down and motionless while holding your breath.
  3. Spit in your wetsuit and pee in your mask.
  4. Your Instructor asks “You don’t want to do the buddy breathing because you have what?”
  5. You ask your Instructor which fin goes on which foot.
  6. You ask your Instructor if that was his mask under your tank.
  7. You tell your Instructor there is no way you can lift a cylinder with 3000 pounds of air in it.
  8. When asked for your dive plan, you hand over a bundle of travel brochures.

You Need Buoyancy Control When

  1. You rely on the silt trail you always stir up to find the shot line at the end of the dive.
  2. You insist that you never wear fins because it makes it more difficult to walk on the bottom.
  3. The only place you can hover is at the surface.
  4. On ascents, your entire body clears the surface of the water.
  5. You use 1000 psi for breathing and 2000 psi for your BC.
  6. You are certain you went for one dive, but your computer has logged three.
  7. You think being neutral in the water means that you don’t fight with your buddy.

Your Dive Buddy Hates You If

  1. He gives you the “wait here” sign and you are still on the boat.
  2. He “forgets” to close your dry suit zipper.
  3. When you indicate you are low on air, he writes on his slate “I’ll get you some” and swims off.
  4. When you give him the out of air signal, he passes you his snorkel.
  5. You give him the “OK” signal and he gives you the finger.
  6. He spits in your mask for you, but you haven’t taken it off yet.
  7. He shows up with a set of tables based on his own algorithm “that’s WAY better”.
  8. He loudly proclaims that safety stops are for “wussies”.

 

 Posted by at 4:20 pm
Mar 172012
 

I came across this great collection of quotes that seemed to be very topical as we sprint into the Nominating Conventions for the political parties in Utah. Enjoy the humor and I’ll start the list with a quote my Democrat friend Steve shared on Facebook yesterday.

0. Decisions are made by those who show up. — Unknown

1. In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. — John Adams

2. If you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed. — Mark Twain

3. Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself. — Mark Twain

4. I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself up by the handle. — Winston Churchill

5. A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. — George Bernard Shaw

6. A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money. — G. Gordon Liddy

7. Democracy must be something more than two wolves and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner. — James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)

8. Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries. — Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at  Georgetown University

9. Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. — P.J. O’Rourke, Civil Libertarian

10. Government is the great fiction, through which everybody endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else. — Frederic Bastiat, French economist (1801-1850)

11. Government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. — Ronald Reagan (1986)

12. I don’t make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts. — Will Rogers

13. If you think health care is expensive now, wait until you see what it costs when it’s free! — P.J. O’Rourke

14. In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money as possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other. — Voltaire (1764)

15. Just because you do not take an interest in politics doesn’t mean politics won’t take an interest in you! — Pericles (430 B..C.)

16. No man’s life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.. — Mark Twain (1866)

17. Talk is cheap…except when Congress does it. — Anonymous

18. The government is like a baby’s alimentary canal, with a happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other. — Ronald Reagan

19. The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing of the blessings. The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery. — Winston Churchill

20. The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist is that the taxidermist leaves the skin. — Mark Twain

21. The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. — Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)

22. There is no distinctly Native American criminal class…save Congress. — Mark Twain

23. What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. — Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)

24. A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have. — Thomas Jefferson

25. We hang the petty thieves and appoint the great ones to public office. — Aesop

 Posted by at 9:51 am