- Follow your dream! Unless it’s the one where you’re at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
- Always take time to stop and smell the roses and sooner or later, you’ll inhale a bee.
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
- If you don’t like my driving, don’t call anyone. Just take another road. That’s why the highway department made so many of them.
- If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
- When I’m feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
- It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal the neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where…
- You are willing to park 3 blocks away because you found shade.
You’ve experienced condensation on your hiney from the hot water in the toilet bowl.
You can drive for 4 hours in one direction and never leave town.
You have over 100 recipes for Mexican food.
You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??!!
– OR –
The Delete Key provides a keyboard based, fully manual method for the removal of information. Furthermore, use of the Delete Key in conjunction with the small amount of brain matter you have left may induce a tingling sensation of pleasure.
- How do you decide who to marry?
- You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming. — Alan, age 10
- No person really decides before they grow up who they’re going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you’re stuck with. — Kristen, age 10
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and frequently humorous. You’ve seen many of these in the past, but its fun to see them all together.
- Where there’s a will, I want to be in it.
- The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on my list.
- Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.
- We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
- War does not determine who is right – only who is left.
- Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
- I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
- In filling out an application, where it says, “In case of emergency, notify:” I put “DOCTOR.”
- Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
- You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
- I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not so sure…
- To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
- Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
- You’re never too old to learn something stupid.
This is an oldie but a goodie. Enjoy!
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted project which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes finger-prints and hard-earned calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say “DANG!”
Note: I don’t know who the original author is, but I’m guessing its a she and she’s over 50. 🙂
A WOMAN’S RANDOM THOUGHTS
- Insanity is my only means of relaxation.
- Women over 50 don’t have babies because they would put them down and forget where they left them.
- My mind not only wanders, it sometime leaves completely.
- The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you’re doing, someone else does.
- The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.
- Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
- Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
- I gave up jogging for my health when my thighs kept rubbing together and set my pantyhose on fire.
- Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!
- They keep telling us to get in touch with our bodies. Mine isn’t all that communicative. I did hear from it the other day after I said, “Body, how’d you like to go to the six o’clock class in vigorous toning?” Clear as a bell my body said “Listen witch … do it and die.”
- The trouble with some women is that they get all excited about nothing (and then they marry him).
- I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.
- I know what Victoria’s Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.
- Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
- My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
- Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.
- It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
- The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
- The flute is a skinny-high shape-sounded instrument.
- Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
- A harp is a nude piano.
- For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
- A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
- When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
- I can’t reach the brakes on this piano!
- While trombones have tubes, trumpets prefer to wear valves.
- You should always say “celli” when you mean there are two or more cellos.
- Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him.
- Refrain means don’t do it. A refrain in music is the part you better not try to sing.
- A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
My favorite is the first. Don’t hate me for that….
Liberals claim to want to give a hearing to other views, but then are shocked and offended to discover that there are other views.
Back in the thirties, we were told we must collectivize the nation because the people were so poor. Now we are told we must collectivize the nation because the people are so rich.
I’d rather entrust the government of the United States to the first 400 people listed in the Boston telephone directory than to the faculty of Harvard University.
I won’t insult your intelligence by suggesting that you really believe what you just said.
I get satisfaction of three kinds. One is creating something, one is being paid for it and one is the feeling that I haven’t just been sitting on my ass all afternoon.
Idealism is fine, but as it approaches reality, the costs become prohibitive.
I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would affront your intelligence.
Liberals, it has been said, are generous with other peoples’ money, except when it comes to questions of national survival when they prefer to be generous with other people’s freedom and security.
I would like to electrocute everyone who uses the word “fair” in connection with income tax policies.
One must bear in mind that the expansion of federal activity is a form of eating for politicians.
I profoundly believe it takes a lot of practice to become a moral slob.
Scientists are people who build the Brooklyn Bridge and then buy it.
It had all the earmarks of a CIA operation; the bomb killed everybody in the room except the intended target!
Life can’t be all bad when for ten dollars you can buy all the Beethoven sonatas and listen to them for ten years.
This video has funny lines through out, but the very best one is the last one so keep paying attention!