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Someone on Reddit posted these. They come from the April 2003 issue of Bicycling. I love how much of it is still current, even though parts of it aren’t as relevant as they were on 2003 (See: Fox Forks.)

If Gary Fisher made toasters, its marketing department would claim Gary invented toasters — and bread.

Foes toasters would be heavy and bright red, and would throw the bread farther in the air than any other toasters.

If Syncros made toasters, they’d be smooth, black, scratch proof and mysteriously overpriced.

If Marzocchi made toasters, it would have the “Toaster Chicks.” The knobs would hurt your hands, and the crumb seal would dry out if the toaster wasn’t used frequently enough.

If ESPN covered toasting, it would call toasting bagels “extreme” toasting, and Mountain Dew would believe them.

If ABC covered toasting, it would play John Tesh in the background and not actually show any toasting.

If OLN covered toasting, you’d record every show.

If Huffy made toasters, it would look like a toaster, it would smell like a toaster, but it wouldn’t have an ejection mechanism. A Huffy toaster would consist of a box with a magnifying glass, and could only be used on sunny days.

Fox Shox toasters would work great for about three months, then drop breadcrumbs all over the counter.

If Specialized made toasters, it would claim to have made the first toaster, when in fact, it was only the first to mass produce toasters.

If Tom Ritchey made toasters, people would say he never got away from his bread roots.

If Cannondale made toasters, you’d have to use thicker slices of bread, buy a Cannondale fork to dig the toast out and use a Cannondale knife to butter it. If either tool broke, not even Cannondale could fix ‘em.

Litespeed would make titanium toasters that would weigh as much as aluminum ones and cost as much as a microwave.

Folks would debate the virtues of clipless toasters. You wouldn’t have to push your bread down anymore but would frequently risk knocking the toaster over with the bread still attached.

If Campagnolo made a toaster, no one would care how long it took to break it in, and it would look so smooth and cool, you’d never want to use it to make actual toast. A Campy toaster knob would cost more than an entire Shimano toaster.

If Shimano made a toaster, you’d have to rewire your whole house and change the electrical sockets to Shimano-compatable ones just to plug the darn thing in.

Keith Bontrager’s toasters would be made of steal, have gusseted bodies, gusseted internal frames, gusseted bread supports…

A new “North Shore” toast style would emerge: placing your toaster on thin planks up near the ceiling, and loading your toast while your feet are wet.

Schwinn toaster would be so-so, but they’d remind us of the toasters we grew up using, so we’d buy one for that reason alone.